Total Eclipse of the Heart

(This song has been playing on my iPod for most of the day. It was fitting)

Yeah, ok. So here we go. I’m writing this on here more to get out out of my mind and my heart, since the music room downstairs is currently occupied.

My boyfriend and I broke up last night. And by that, I mean that I ended it.

Since I’ve come to school, he and I had been fighting more. I think I’ve said this before, but I’m going to repeat it. I wear my feelings on my sleeves… I always have. I have a harder time forgiving people when they hurt me, especially multiple times. This last time just kind of got to me, I guess. I’ve tried to explain multiple times that me being in college is not the same as it was when I was in high school. The work is more difficult and I’m always studying or something. So our constant conversations have lessened. HE brought it up again last night, asking if my feelings have changed… because I “don’t say the things I use to”. I tried to explain that after 17 months, I figured he knew those things already. He made the assumption that I don’t care anymore about him. It was not a good feeling. In fact, the last few nights he had gone to bed upset. I would ask what was bugging him, and he wouldn’t tell me. So I would assume it was something I did, which also did not make me happy.

Eventually, I realized that I wasn’t happy anymore. I was far away, he no longer thought I cared, and he never seemed to want to tell me things about him or his day. I can honestly say, one of the hardest things I have ever done was walk away. But I had too. It wasn’t fair that I wasn’t happy, and it wasn’t fair to him to keep acting like I was. I told him that when he grows up a little, and finds the nice guy I started dating 17 months ago, to get back to me.

So far today, I have gone through many stages of this break up. I was ok when I woke up, until I had a text that said, “I really hope you decide to change your mind”. From there, it went down hill. I would put a smile on my face around campus, get back to my dorm and have another text and cry. My phone had stopped vibrating, but my emotions are still scattered. I don’t know if I’m more upset at the fact that I know how hurt he is…. or because I realized the person I leaned on for everything is not there for me right now.

I have four weeks left of my freshman year . During this time, I plan to focus on school and my Purduette auditions. I also wonder if in this time, there really is someone out there wandering around my campus that I’m really supposed to be with. And if not, I feel like a jerk. It’s not that I believe that someone better is out there for me. In my opinion, there are so many things wrong with me, that it shocks me that people would want to be with me at all. I just am not totally sure if he was “the one”. I loved him, I believe that. I believe I still do… but not the him that I have come to know in the last few months. I feel like I need to talk with other people. He was my first real relationship, and it lasted for almost a year and a half. Maybe things will change when he is finally in college. We will see what happens when I go home this summer.

So that’s what’s going on with me. My friends are wonderfully supportive. The best advice I got, though, was from one of my really good friends. She simply gave me a Bible Verse: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged” Deuteronomy 31:8. She went through a similar relationship as me… so that made it much more meaningful. I just wish his sister would text me… just to let me know she doesn’t hate me. She was like the older sister I never had.

Boyce Avenue posted a new cover today. I found it fitting with my story.


~ by Hannah on April 7, 2011.

2 Responses to “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

  1. i love you. and the boyce cover of course. keep your head up, even when you are lower than the ultimate low. i understand where you are; i have been there. its hard, and the whole time it hurts, but i promise the pain subsides and the wounds heal. you will have cries here and there, but over time you will notice them lessening. you must put yourself first sometimes, and one of those times is when it comes to happiness. you must be happy, not for me, not for him, not for your friends, not for your family, but for yourself. no one can make you happy, but yourself. you will realize when your happiness shines through that it was the one thing missing, and it makes you complete. i have found that, and it is the greatest feeling in the world. so for now, take it easy, and take it slow. things will getting better and start looking up, i promise. if you ever need anything, i am here. you know that. and again, i love you baby girl.

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